Life Changing Story.

So, everything has been going pretty good on the surface. But, what I haven't told you yet might shock you. I am in April fixing to start the summer between my second and third grade year. I have a secret that I have had since I can remember. My dad just had his 40th birthday party the day before, where I through a fit, because I didn't want to go with Frank (my great Aunt's boyfriend, whom is usually babysitting us during the summer's when my dad has us for his two weeks at a time or a month, who remembers that) to his house and grab some drinks for the party. My stepmother makes me go with him, as she thinks that I am just being a brat, she feels really bad this day. I finally get up the courage to tell my stepmother why I didn't want to go with Frank, and she breaks down. This man had molested me since I was about 3 years old. I was afraid of telling anybody, because Frank had a pool and we would always go there to swim...and I was afraid that everyone would get made at me for telling, so we couldn't go there anymore. The thoughts of a child...it is scary that something so small, could keep a child from telling when bad things are happening. I guess this shows that I have always been a people pleaser and have always put others needs/wants above my own. This scares me now though, when I see a child not wanting to go with someone, who is not their parent...I always freak out a little in belief that that person could be doing the same things to that child. My life was turned upside down that day. My dad felt that due to the circumstances and the fact that I would be in court a lot that I should live with him and my stepmother, that way my small town would not know what was going on with me and to protect me. (Although, come to think about it I figure that he really just wanted me so that he wouldn't have to pay child support while he is paying court costs and lawyers fees...maybe not, but that's just me). This started off the 1st worst year of my life. My blood brother came with me...as he had never left his little sisters side since she came home with him from the hospital. All of the councilors and invasive doctors visits were bad enough...the private school I was in was a nightmare, with a teacher from hell. If it weren't for my principal there, taking me under his wing and seeing me through everything and letting me know that I was loved, I don't know what I would have done. My stepmother became different towards me. She didn't like that dad would do things with just me and my blood  brother or just me by myself. She felt that my little half brother should be a part of everything that we did, even if it was just driving up to the gas station...no time alone. I really felt like on top of everything else I had gained an evil stepmother, who would make a 3rd grader iron her own uniforms (burning myself no less). When I would get to see my mom, I cried usually when we were together, wishing to come home with her. I hated seeing her cry all of the time as well. I missed my old life and thank the good Lord above I was able to get out of there after only a year! But, regardless everything had changed. My dads moms side of the family took my Aunt's side...saying that I lied...so, we no longer have that. My friends at school were all different towards me because I moved and then came back. The truth told to my stepmother became a life changing story. Maybe that is why I have fear to speak? 

New Addition!!

When I was in first grade my little half brother came home to my dads house. Instantly, I had decided that I would mother him and he would always do what I said, even if it was only once a week and every other weekend, he would know who was boss...lol. In essence I treated him much like a toy or a doll. My favorite doll!! I loved that baby with all of my heart, I wanted him to be the best at everything. I taught him how to ride a bike without training wheels when he was 3...he was also riding motorcycles with me...and diving off of the diving board in the deep end! I loved bragging about my little brother. He and I are to this day very close! The only thing that could have screwed me up a little with getting this new little brother is that I was kind of at odds with my place in sibling order. I was the baby at my moms and now at my dads when I was supposed to be daddy's little girl...I was now daddy's middle child. I think that I adjusted well, until I started realizing as my half brother started getting older, We started getting left out (we meaning my blood brother and I, as well as my stepmom's son). My dad started taking vacations with just his new family of 3 and we would be left hurt and upset. He would always try and do the turn around, that I was at my moms that weekend or it would just cost too much money for all of us to go...how does that make a young child feel...like well I guess me being there wasn't worth it to my dad. That hurt and when looking back still kind of does. But, now I know that my dad really does love me...he really just is a tight ass when it comes to money and doesn't take into consideration his actions and the affect that they might have on others. I can live with that now that I am older, was just very disheartening and confusing as a child. But, enough about my dad...as I am sure that I will get back to him in a blog all of his own...lol!

Starting off life with a bang!

My parents divorced when I was about a year old. This is when my brother and I started our lives off with two families. I was only one, so I really don't remember anything about the split. So, I grew up with two families, living with my mom and step dad and visiting my dad and his wife every Thursday and every other weekend, which I guess is the normal divorce dynamic. I gained 3 new siblings, a stepbrother that belonged to my new step mom and a stepsister and stepbrother that belonged to my new step dad. I only had one constant in my life and that was my blood brother, my best friend and we went everywhere together. I love my two families and 4 sets of grandparents, along with all of my cousins. I knew nothing better, and it was great for me, still is. But, when going into elementary school I soon realized that my family was not the norm in a small town the size of mine. My brother and I in fact were, as I believe, really the only ones in our grades starting off school with divorced families. It was weird, but now looking back I realize that my small town was really just a freak of nature even at that time in 1988, I mean it was kind of like walking onto the set of "Leave it to Beaver" in all reality.

Fear Speaks!

When does life rare back and hit you in the face? When do you realize that at some point your future life must begin and your past life must end? When does fear start clouding what you really want in life? I am 28 years old and feel like I have allowed fear to keep me from a lot of my hopes and dreams. When I was growing up, I always saw myself as a mother and a wife...I wasn't sure when I wanted to do those things, but I knew that God put me on this earth to be wonderful at both. I had hopes of becoming a Lawyer, Teacher, Business woman, Photographer, or a Nurse and here I am writing insurance policies and serving papers for a living (and not a very good living at that)...sure I take pictures and I am darn good at it, but for some reason I can't muster up the courage to pursue it full force. When did I start allowing what others say or what others believe, to keep be on the fence of my own dreams? When did I start letting fear speak for me? I have some ideas and questions regarding this matter...so, I am punching fear back in a battle and writing a blog! I am going to be completely honest and give you a little of my past, most of my present and hopes for the future. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to hit FEAR in the face and get control of my life!! Wish me Luck!!